Cubicle News Network

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The CNN Pledge When we print a story, you can be sure it has been checked for spelling and grammar errors no less than three times. That's right. Three times. Attention to detail is our secret to success, so please make CNN your choice for cubicle news.	Randy Moss Found in Cubicle NFL To Adopt New Cubicle Policy State Worker Dies After Picking Nose Woman Has Twins in Cubicle Palestinian Authority to Fill Gaza with Cubicles Katrina Destroys Cubicles Cubicle Napping Increases Productivity Cheney Supports Cubicle Legislation Lance Armstrong Peddling Cubicles? Mars Rover Locates Missing Cubicle	Bin Laden Expresses Dismay Over Cubicle Cubicles Blamed for Oil Price Increase Cubicle Workers Stranded Cubicle Illness on Rise Mobile Cubicle Makes Debut Cubicle Fountain Explodes State Workers Work Too Hard Troops Provided with Updated Cubicles Rice Fired By State NAACP Charges Rights Violation	Cubicle Explosion Kills Seven High Tech Cubicle Shows Promise Higher Ed to Receive Funding for Cube Farms Cubicle Explosion Kills Seven Boxer Writes Novel in Cubicle NASCAR : The Ultimate Mobile Cubicle XBOX 360 Best in Cube
Use Policy You may use the stories here without restriction, but must credit this page.		RANDY MOSS FOUND IN WORKER'S CUBICLE SEP 29, 2005. Pensacola cubicle worker Debra Flatula was stunned to see her desk inundated with a highly active form of moss, Monday morning. "The stuff was actually vibrating," said Flatula. "I was almost afraid to touch it." The highly rare moss, known to scientists as randy moss because of its peculiar tendency to try to mate with non-similar species, apparently escaped from a nearby lab. "We usually keep the stuff locked up," said lab supervisor Ernhardt Bruder. "But somehow this batch escaped." The lab performs highly classified genetic research for the government. The same lab was recently cited for unauthorized use of foreign spores. UPDATE DEC 01, 2005. Following an investigation by the Department of Flora, randy moss has been added to the government's list of endangered species. "We have to protect weaker life forms. Randy moss has the potential to wreak havoc, but given the current crisis in moss management, all we can do is hope." This statement was released earlier this week. Cubicle personnel are urged to check carefully for randy moss, which can appear unexpectedly.	CUBICLE WORKERS STRANDED SEP 07, 2005. Nine State Workers were stranded for three days when their cubicles were inadvertently sealed off by maintenance workers. "It was bizarre," said State Worker Ezekial Purdoff. "I tried to leave, but all the cubicle exits were blocked. I felt like a rat in a maze." The maintenance work was done early Friday afternoon, so most workers had left before the incident occurred. The nine remaining staffers were left to wander aimlessly from cube to cube, and had it not been for a bottle of Mountain Dew and a single can of Spam, the nine may have perished. "It leaves a funny taste in your mouth," said Purdoff of the Spam-Dew combo. "But it also gives you a bit of a buzz." When other workers arrived Monday morning they quickly freed the trapped employees. According to State officials the victims will not receive overtime pay, which must be approved in advance.

		NFL TO ADOPT NEW CUBICLE POLICY SEP 14, 2005. The Nordic Foosball League recently acquired the rights to deploy Sandusky Industries patented CubeLock Cubicle technology, according to NFL officials. The implementation of the CubeLock model should ensure that fans will receive updated foosball match statistics in a timely fashion. In the past this has been an issue. "I have season tickets, and I'm here before the players even warm up," said foosball enthusiast David Blaubart, of San Diego. "Half the time the stats don't even include player revs." Blaubart refers to the tendency of higher level players to spin the foosball handles either in frustration, or in the heat of the moment. The number seven-rated NFL player, Gerhardt Rontheimer, agrees. "We're out there day in and day out, and our fans have the right to expect more. We've been asking for CubeLock for over a year now, so hopefully this means the NFL is going to be more responsive." CubeLock enables management to enforce strict data integrity rules by sealing cubicle doors until all work has been completed by cubicle-based workers. Sandusky Industries spokesman Steve Warner said that CubeLock works on a timer, so all workers are released at the same time. The Cubicle Workers Union has filed a grievance.	CUBICLE ILLNESS ON RISE AUG 31, 2005. A disturbing trend that could affect millions of cubicle workers worldwide has been reported by the American Medical Society. At a recent conference Dr. Wayne Hickory presented the results from a three month study that clearly shows cubicle workers are at risk. "We checked and double checked, because at first, frankly, I didn't think it was possible." Hickory is referring to the unusually high incidence of cubicle psychosis, thought to be caused by microscopic fungi that inhabit the fabric of cubicle walls. "This is a difficult disease to treat," says Hickory. "We're talking full quarantine and complete hose down just to prep the team." When asked about symptoms Hickory shakes his head. "We're not really sure. This is cutting edge medical research in an area that has gone under-funded for years. The best we can do is theorize at this point." Hickory first became involved in the project when a relative sent an email pleading for help with an undisclosed problem. Grant money quickly followed, and the symptoms disappeared. "I wouldn't call it a miracle," says Hickory, "but it's hard not to be impressed. Often these problems can't be resolved simply by throwing money at them. This is not one of those cases." Hickory has applied for additional federal grant money and hopes to work on the problem full time.

		STATE WORKER BLEEDS TO DEATH AFTER PICKING NOSE SEP 07, 2005. Ronald Z. Gorchester III, 62, died Monday morning from acute atoxia as a result of blood loss that was caused by removal of a stout booger from his nostril. The condition is apparently quite prevalent in older men who live in dry climates. Officials at the Sister of Mercy Medical Center near Albuquerque, New Mexico, reported that when he was found by a nun walking past his cubicle, Gorchester had already lost a substantial amount of blood. "It was just awful," said Sister Agnes Flanagan. "I've never seen anything quite so awful." Sister Flanagan works as a volunteer for the New Mexico Department of Health. Officials have indicated that Gorchester will be buried with full State honors, and have offered grief counseling for any State Workers who need it. All sessions will be confidential and will include lunch. Donations can be made to the Nostril Foundation in lieu of flowers.	MOBILE CUBICLE MAKES DEBUT AUG 30, 2005. When Jon Myers arrived at work, he couldn't find his cubicle. "It used to be in the middle of the office area. Then I remembered parking it closer to the water cooler." Myers laughs at his own forgetfulness, and simply heads for the cooler. Sure enough, the lost cubicle is right where he left it. He takes a seat, powers up, and soon disappears around a corner. Myers is one of the lucky few to be equipped with a mobile cubicle. Office managers have long complained that too much time is wasted while cubicle workers walk back and forth between workspaces. The solution: bring the workspace along. "I'm telling you," says Meadville, Pa. Assistant Office Manager Radcliff Potter, "once all our workers have mobile cubes, productivity will go through the roof. Imagine all the time we'll save without unnecessary walking around." The cubicles, affectionately called MoCubes, are the brainchild of John C. Lyons, who was tragically killed in a recent cubicle fire. According to published specifications, the MoCubes can attain speeds of up to twelve miles per hour, although the hyper-drive equipped executive model is said to be much faster.

		WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS IN CUBICLE (contributing reporter c.behr) SEP 1, 2005. It was just another day as far as Marilyn Ulious was concerned. That is, until the labor pains started. "I thought it was indigestion at first," said Ulious. "But when my cubicle floor started flooding, I knew something wasn't right." Her coworker, Richard Whit, was nearby and immediately jumped into action. Whit is a volunteer EMT and is used to dealing with high pressure situations. "My first priority was to get the water cleaned up," said Whit. "My job is to look after the interests of the company, and someone could slip and hurt themselves." While Whit searched for a mop and bucket, Ulious struggled to maintain consciousness. She was comforted by Whit's helpful demeanor. "I don't remember anything. Whit left, and then the first baby popped out. When I woke up I was in a bed and I could smell alcohol. I thought the whole thing was a dream." Ulious plans to give the babies up for adoption. "I just hope my cubicle dries out soon," she said.	CUBICLE FOUNTAIN EXPLODES SEP 27, 2005. The latest addition to your cubicle could make your mouth water. With over a million units shipped this month, the cubicle fountain is the latest office accessory to hit the workplace. "Ever since I was a kid I was fascinated by flowing water," says fountain inventor Steve Burr. "Working in a cubicle was my dream job, but after ten years I realized something was missing." This led Burr to make a tough decision about the direction of his life. In the end, water won out. "I had a dream. Maybe you'd call it a vision. I don't know. All I can say for sure is that flowing water belongs in cubicles." There must be something to it. Burr's company, CuFlow, recently went public. Former presidential candidate Ross Perot is said to be interested in buying a controlling share of the company.

		PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY TO FILL GAZA WITH CUBICLES AUG 25, 2005. Palestinian leader Abu Mazen has declared that Gaza will become a Mecca for cubicle dwellers. "While the rest of the world has moved forward, we have only moved backwards," said Mazen. "Now things will change." He stands proudly next to a brand new cubicle, and smiles. "We are used to living in small, crowded conditions. Imagine how productive our people will be working in these." Already large segments of the population are buying into the cubicle idea. There is a waiting list for even low level jobs. Since Israel withdrew many speculated that the Palestinians would be unable to control Gaza. Abu Mazen has come up with an approach that seems certain to succeed.	STATE WORKERS WORK TOO HARD OCT 6, 2005. The New York Department of Labor and Industry has issued its annual report on the state of State Workers. According to the report, State cubicle workers now earn over nine per cent of their gross compensation. This is a seasonally adjusted average that does not include bonuses or fringe benefits. "Overall, the numbers look pretty good," said L&I spokesman Gordon Lacky. "Although we've seen fewer large raises for upper management, the numbers indicate a pretty steady effort. These people are doing a good job." The report measured employee effort over a three month period. The report authors noted that cubicle size and color played an important role, but warned that further increases in effort by State Workers could produce burnout. The Cubicle Workers Union has endorsed the report.

		KATRINA DESTROYS CUBICLES SEP 06, 2005. Lance Katrina, the recently elected Councilman from Petunia, Wisconsin, completed his goal of smashing twelve cubicles in two hours late Sunday evening. "It was slow going at first," said Katrina. "But after I developed a good rhythm, everything fell into place." Katrina arrived at the local State Welfare Office in time to help remove the offending office walls. "Folks were tired of the anonymity. We made a big deal over this, because the people of Petunia are fed up. Cubicles are not only expensive, but they tend to isolate workers. Now that the walls are gone, things will only get better." Katrina arrived earlier then expected, but the destruction was carried out according to plan. After the cubicles were demolished, Katrina left for a meeting with building planners. New partitions will have to be erected to replace the cubicles destroyed by Katrina, which is expected to cost over thirty thousand dollars.	TROOPS PROVIDED WITH UPDATED CUBICLES AUG 24, 2005. The U.S. military is providing elite special operations units with portable deployable cubicles, or PDCs. The increased reliance on computers and other networked equipment on the battlefield has resulted in unique space requirements. "My men need a place to sit and type," said Colonel Ralph Boyles, of SEAL Team Bravo. "What good is situational awareness if you can't hear yourself think? These cubicles are awesome." The numbers support Boyles' positive assessment. After only three months of using the cubicles his SEAL team scored an average of five points higher on standardized typing tests. The cubicles are typically flown in by Chinook helicopters several days before an operation.

		CUBICLE NAPPING INCREASES PRODUCTIVITY AUG 25, 2005. A study commissioned by the Presidential Council on Corporate Performance has revealed that cubicle napping increases work product when measured as an overall percentage of employee effort. In a double-blind case study involving over three hundred cubicle workers the Council also found that larger, more remote cubicles provide better results. "It's all about REM," said study director Ron Greenwood. "The deeper the sleep, the more refreshed the worker." Greenwood also said that eating habits play a role. "Give a worker good food and a place where they feel relaxed enough to sleep, and you'll have a happy worker. Happy workers work harder." Further research is under way.	RICE FIRED BY STATE Oct 12, 2005. In a move that stunned experts, the State of Utah has decided to fire all rice products served in correctional institutions, beginning immediately. "By exposing the rice germ to direct flame, we ensure that our staff receives the best possible end product," said prison spokesman Cheryl Ogden. The rice will be provided to cubicle workers in the prison system's administrative units. Until recently only boiled rice was available, and the workers didn't like it. "What a relief," said cubicle worker Dale Bennington, III. "I'm a metrosexual, and the whole boiled rice thing was really starting to get old." Rice was fired last week, and officials were reportedly pleased with the result.

		CHENEY SUPPORTS CUBICLE LEGISLATION AUG 25, 2005. Nick Cheney has officially lent his support to pending cubicle legislation. Cheney was adamant about the need to move forward. "We can sit on our laurels and watch these people suffer, or we can do something," said Cheney. The new law would force cubicle makers to take into consideration growing sentiment from like-minded individuals. Although it is unlikely that Cheney's support will result in early passage of the measure, experts agree that it was a wise move. "The man has worked in a cubicle himself," said Professor Ernst Roc. "He knows whereof he speaks." Roc teaches Human Ergonomics and Poetry at several prestigious online universities.	NAACP CHARGES CUBICLE USE VIOLATES RIGHTS AUG 24, 2005. The National Association for the Advancement of Cubicle People has officially announced its position regarding office enclosures. "It's twenty-first century slavery," said spokesman Patrick Urbanek. "We're talking about human dignity, here." NAACP members voted overwhelmingly to approve a measure condemning current cubicle practice. The non-binding vote reflected a growing national trend towards openness and civility. The NAACP is currently pushing congress to approve reparations for family members of cubicle victims. The measure is expected to pass by an overwhelming majority.

		LANCE ARMSTRONG PEDDLING CUBICLES ? AUG 25, 2005. A man claiming to be Lance Armstrong is being sought by authorities for peddling bogus cubicles. The Montana Special Investigations Unit is reportedly seeking information related to a series of posters that advertise a seminar in cubicle repair. The lucrative cubicle resurfacing industry has been the target in recent years of numerous similar schemes. Officials close to the investigation said that the man they seek is probably not the famous Lance Armstrong, but could be someone who looks like him. No arrests are likely.	CUBICLE EXPLOSION KILLS SEVEN AUG 23, 2005. A southern Michigan man and six coworkers were killed when a bottle of alcohol was inadvertently poured into a CD ROM drive last Sunday. Local fire chief Ed Quark said that the resulting explosion and fire completely gutted three cubicles. John C. Lyons, 28, was apparently attempting to eradicate a virus when the accident occurred. Other workers praised Lyons for his quick thinking. Lyons is survived by a cat and three goldfish.

		MARS ROVER LOCATES MISSING CUBICLE AUG 25, 2005. In an unexpected turn of events a Mars Rover has pinpointed the location of a lost cubicle. A feature on the high plains of Mars known as Cubicle Gamma Seven, because of its four high walls, was temporarily lost in a violent Martian dust storm. When radar failed to locate the recently discovered enclave the Mars Rover took it upon itself to have a look. "These rovers are clever," said mission control supervisor Dan Mitchell. "They're designed to go off on their own and find interesting things." When asked if this design concept was was a bit risky, Mitchell was adamant. "As soon as we reestablish contact, I'm sure we'll see that the side trip was worth it. The storm has cleared up now and the rover should reach the site in two or three days." Mitchell was replaced with an automated answering device three days after this interview.	HI-TECH CUBICLE SHOWS PROMISE AUG 24, 2005. Cellulite Office Enclosures, a startup high tech cubicle manufacturer, has announced plans for a fall release of its newest offering. "We're very excited," said company president Lowell Dinger. "The materials, the functionality, the cost―it's all there." The new cubicle will integrate devices such as plasma bookshelves, touch-screen reference manuals, thermobaric coffee mugs, and ceramic chairs. "It's all about worker comfort and productivity," says Dinger. "We spared no expense in developing this technology." The cubicles cost from eight to ten thousand dollars each, depending on features.

		BIN LADEN EXPRESSES DISMAY OVER CUBICLE AUG 25, 2005. Yassef Bin Laden, a relative of the famed terror chief, has been working in the same cubicle for twelve years. "Give me a break," says Yassef. "I mean come on, what did I do to deserve this?" Yassef was recently turned down for a job that would have come with a larger cubicle. He feels that the connection to his famous cousin may have played a role. "Nothing was said, but I could see in their eyes what they were thinking." Yassef plans to retire early next year, and hopes to spend some quality time with his family.	HIGHER ED TO RECEIVE FUNDING FOR CUBE FARMS AUG 24, 2005. Citing a need to house a growing population of administrators, a consortium of universities recently asked for increased funding for cubicles. The request was approved by a slim majority, and a contract will be awarded based on low bidding procedures. In the past there have been complaints about cubicle stability, so included in the measure was a condition that all cubicles be connected to form a 'farm'. This technique was first developed in Sweden to help cope with the severe winters, and has since been adopted throughout the western world and some parts of China. The building code in some parts of the country will have to be modified to comply with the new stiffer regulations. Advocacy groups are already out in force on both sides of the issue.
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		CUBICLES BLAMED FOR OIL PRICE INCREASE AUG 31, 2005. While most industry analysts place the blame for the recent oil price surge squarely on OPEC and rising international demand, at least one observer sees a different culprit. "Cubicles cannot be manufactured without oil," says Office Equipment Specialist Yitzak Spellman. "I've been in this business for thirty years, and I've never seen it this intense." Yitzak should know. He sees just how bad things are in his position as foreman of cubicle operations. He showed this reporter a warehouse that contained numerous barrels of a black, slimy substance purported to be imported oil. "You think this stuff just magically appears? Every morning I look in the warehouse and there's more barrels of oil. Some have been used up already, but others are brand new. It just never stops." There seems to be little or no accounting for exactly how many barrels of oil flow through this one warehouse. Repeated efforts to acquire documentation were met with denials and referral to a corporate attorney. One office worker stated that the barrels had been there for years, and didn't even contain oil. Yitzak said that such claims could never be proven one way or the other, and pointed out that almost all offices now use cubicles.	BOXER WRITES NOVEL IN CUBE Nov 9, 2005. In a stunning affirmation of canine intelligence, a three-year-old Boxer emerged from cubicle isolation this week after completing a five-page novel. "It's the first time a dog ever completed a literary work of this caliber," said trainer Sandy Caltrou. "Of course I had to help him hold the pen, but the words were completely his own." Caltrou acknowledges that there are detractors. "Sure, some people say that subconsciously I may be influencing the writing, but if you look in his eyes there is real depth, real sorrow. It shows in what he writes." Critics have noted the similarity between the Boxer's work and Caltrou's own unpublished manuscript, including spelling errors. Caltrou says this proves the work is authentic. Caltrou and the Boxer will go on a twelve-city book tour early next year.

		NASCAR : THE ULTIMATE MOBILE CUBICLE Nov 9, 2005. For the second straight year NASCAR has received the Ultimate Mobile Cubicle award from industry leader MoCube, Inc. The annual presentation is made to the organization that best exemplifies the unity of less space and more speed. For many years the Space Shuttle program dominated the competition, but with vastly improved engines and ever smaller driver compartments, NASCAR now leads the field. CNN offers its congratulations to NASCAR for this impressive victory.	XBOX 360 BEST IN CUBE Nov 30, 2005. The XBOX 360 was unanimously selected by the Cubicle News Network as the best cubicle-shaped game system released in 2005. "You have to stack several units together to form a basic cubicle shape," explained contest chairman Agmar Fitzimmons-Dunder. "But we saw this as an advantage, a real example of thinking inside the box." Critics contend that the award should have gone to competitor YBox 360, or even ZBox 360 because both units more closely approximate the shape of a cubicle. "No way," argues XBox 360 fan Clive Gentry, of Spokane. "The XBox 360 is a rockin', quasi-cube-shaped game system." This attitude is typical of most XBox 360 fans, and vindicates this year's choice by CNN, according to CNN. YBox 360 is expected to appeal.